I've got a confession.

While I tend to take a lighter approach to 'real life' and face trials, obstacles, and frustrations with humor, I'm stepping faaaaaaaaaaar out of my comfort zone and broaching a subject that's quite sensitive for me. Unfortunately, that's likely the understatement of the century. It seems I've done that once or twice before now, here with this blog, and have found the process quite cathartic. Let's hope I can experience the same thing this time around, too.

I've been plotting out this post in my mind for a few weeks and still haven't decided on the most effective way to communicate my thoughts, feelings, goals, and plans. I keep reflecting on a quote:

Unfortunately, I've had my share of headaches, and even more unfortunately, they're caused by the issues in my confession.

Here is goes. I'm not skinny. (That wasn't so bad, was it?) 

I'm not skinny, I really never have been, and I really probably never will be. Some people can face this with a lot more courage than I can and some people can set goals and make progress much better than I can, too. 

When I married 10 years ago, I married someone with an incredible passion for physical activity. I also married someone with a different definition of a 'healthy lifestyle' than myself. While this makes neither of us right or wrong, it's unfortunately made both of our lives and our relationship more complicated than we likely anticipated. 

I like fun. I don't think that is a secret. I myself move a million miles a minute for about 68% of each day. I balance project on top of project, on top of family, on top of employment, on top of additional employment, on top of friends, on top of fun. It's the way I'm programmed. If I'm not doing 18 things at any given second, it's likely I'm asleep, and even that feels rare these days.

What I'm not good at? Dieting. I hate it. I love food - I love experiencing food with those I love. I love making food for those I love. I love showing love to others through food. It's a true labor of love for me and I absolutely hate being restricted by diets, rules, and basic human biology. When I diet, I'm grumpy - and instead of a diet making me feel like I'm in control and working toward a positive goal, I find myself resentful to the world, and myself, that I'm not just satisfied with who I am, as I am. In a twisted way, it goes against my core of acceptance of differences being 'okay' - and even a blessing.

I'm at a challenging point in my life right now. I recognize that I'd probably be happier in my own skin, and in my relationship, if I lost 20 pounds. That seems simple enough, right? 20 pounds should be a cinch, right? Wrong. It's not. It's daunting to me - and while that may seem silly - it's one of the biggest challenges I have faced in as long as I remember. 

I've been working out very very regularly for about 5 months. I discovered Gold's Gym and their Cardio Cinema and I've been building up my endurance, speed, and strength. Additionally, at the beginning of this year I gave up Diet Coke - one of my favorite things in the world, in hopes that coupled with regular exercise, I'd see and feel some real progress.  Guess what? Nothing.

I'm eating far more veggies and fruits than would have been typical for me in the past. I drink far more water than I ever have in my life. I'm educated enough to recognize that these things ARE doing good for me, I'd just really appreciate a dip in the scale and some recognizable progress. So far, nothing. I'd like to think I'm smart enough to recognize that my eating habits are not atypical. I feel like I consume an honestly healthy diet for the most part - and still cannot seem to progress.

To say I'm frustrated does not quite do it justice. 

I'm not skinny, okay?


  1. You are beautiful! It is so hard NOT to focus on the scale numbers, but I always feel better when I try to do things that are healthy rather than focus on numbers. Good luck with finding a balance that works for you!

  2. We are twins separated at birth. I could not have said it better myself. I love you and am proud of you for sharing. It's hard some days to be comfortable in our own skin, especially after having babies. Our bodies stretch and shrink (not ever back to the original shape). But it's all about feeling good about yourself. Are you still doing the 5k in April?

  3. Oh, Linz, I am so with you. Last year my boss gave me the opportunity to join a local gym, that I had wanted to join forever, but it was kinda spendy, you know? But they have a great pool, and as a fellow mermaid, you know my love of swimming! So I started up gung ho and by Shel's wedding in July of last year, I had dropped 25 of the 75 lbs I had set as a goal. Since then, 1 solid year of "Boot Camp" training 3 times a week, not 1. single. ounce.That 50 lbs is still jiggling around, and my frustration levels have reached new heights! I have suffered from knee and shoulder pain, and some days just wanna throw in the towel! BUT- I am a lot healthier, and can do things I haven't done since Jr. High (push-ups,v-ups,run a mile or three...)Anyhow, if you want an online workout buddy,give me a jingle- I'm looking for other ways to lose this extra 3yr old I'm packin'so if you come up with any ideas, keep me posted! And any time you wanna play mermaid- holler!

  4. My husband teaches Intuitive Eating, supposedly it works! Thanks for sharing such a personal post. I'm feeling a bit the same lately too. Seems unfair that some people no matter how hard we try, can't reach our Ideal weight. I wonder if some part of it all is emotional or if it's all just physical crap, we're not MEANT to be thin.....

  5. Lindsey- why did I not know about this blog? I love it. You're one of my very favorite people ever. You've always been & always will be beautiful to me. You see, no one sees your body. When we see you we only see your heart, your awesome personality & all the fun that comes with it. :) I'm in your same boat. . . Love to eat, bake, FOOD PERIOD.
    Have you had your hormones and ALL the parts of your thyroid checked by a 'not so real' Dr? I'm a huge advocate ;).

  6. Linz - don't let others judge you by your body size or shape! If YOU don't feel comfortable with how you look, then make some changes. But if you're happy with how you are, don't change for someone else. You're beautiful - inside AND out! I've always felt that way about you!

  7. If I only knew then what I know now...Since I have never met you I have no preconceived notions about what you look present to me as a beautiful young woman; skinny doesn't even play into the equation at all. Describing another person one uses adjectives as pleasant or beautiful or intelligent or fun to be around...skinny?..not so much. Wasting time worrying about ones weight is time one could spend having FUN! BTW...the best compliment I ever received was someone said they thought I was taller than I really am....snort. Yeah..and probably younger too.

  8. Ooopppss that was me FWJ...guess i didn't fill in the all the blanks when signing in

    1. Thanks for your perspective. This is new territory for me, not something I think was ever on my radar until the last handful of years and the response I've gotten to this post has really helped me with a reality check.